It's Not Easy Bein' Green

I have to admit something that I HATE admitting. 

I'm suffering from the case of the envies.  Yes, I am all shades of green lately.  Kelly, Olive, Forest, Neon, Lime, Grass...I can't shake it.

I have people in my life who are having all sorts of outward success.  Working on TV shows, plays being produced, movies being produced, books being published.  I suppose most people feel envious at one point or another.  But over the past several months that feeling has been in overdrive.  And it's ugly so I don't like to admit it that I would stoop to such a basic, regular, everyday, common, human level and feel something like envy.  I like to portray strength and above-it-all-ness.  I like people to think that I'm way to confident and secure in myself to give into something like envy.

But I do.  And I've been suffering from the envies for most of this year. 

Part of that started when I really got involved in my Dad's care.  I am truly glad that I had the chance to switch gears a little bit and care about something more than just my career.  But at the same time, I'm supposed to be a writer.  And I don't have a play that's being produced or published or even workshopped.  I wrote one play this year that I'm starting to send out.  I wrote a spec of GLEE that's already been rejected by one studio for a writer's workshop.  I'm waiting to hear about the other two studios who have similar programs.  I'm working on this pilot that I'm trying to finish and that doesn't seem to be going anywhere.   This is the second pilot in a row that doesn't feel like it's gelling.  And I have another idea for a comedy pilot that I want to write.  But I want to get this pilot finished before I write that.

Most of my friends tell me that I need to give myself a break and that my Dad just died two months ago.  The past year has been about his illness and then his death.  People say that it takes a while to recover.  But I don't like this place of limbo.  Can't my heart healing be a catalyst for great career success?  Isn't that the way karma's supposed to work?  Shitty thing happens to a person and then they get rewarded in another way?  I'm waiting for that windfall.

I don't like being jealous.  I should be happy for my friends successes.  It's horrible that I'm even admitting this on a blog.  But most things are making me jealous these days.  Too many things to figure.

But maybe that's forcing the question: What are you going to do about it?

How will this change my approach to my life?  It's unfair that I'm not as rich and as established and as successful as I think I should be.

I'm tired of being the poorest person people know.

I need a game changer.  Putting that out into the universe.

I"m changing.  I can value and appreciate that.  But is that happening fast enough?

This would be an example of a blog entry that might just be too honest.