Tribute

When my Dad was dying, we had a conversation.  Actually, I talked because he wasn't able to talk any more.  I told him that I was going to fulfill the potential I knew I had and he knew I had.  I admitted that I probably had, on some subconscious level, held back.  I have this habit of deferring to men who represent some sort of father figure.

I've been on this cleanse for the past week.  I'm taking off weight.  I'm exercising and watching what I eat.  This has been the easiest cleanse of the one I completed, plus the two that I did half-assed.  And I realized that I'm sticking to it because of my Dad.  I have Congestive Heart Failure in my family.  I don't want to die prematurely because I didn't take care of myself.  Being healthy has very little to do with vanity, even though I check my stomach every day to see if I've lost any weight.  It has to do with living my potential.  I should be fit my whole life. 

I should write every day.  I should be making money full time as a writer.  So that's the next step.  If my Dad not living up to his potential is a motivating force for me in terms of my diet, it should also be a motivating force for me in terms of my ambition.  I'm still young, a fact I seem to forget.  I'm spirited, energetic, and baby-faced.

I have been the most productive this year out of any in my life.  And I need to continue that high level of productivity and get shit done.  I have a destiny to catch up to. 

I'm not going to watch the writing credits of TV shows with any sort of jealousy.  I'm going to step up and stand in the place I deserve to stand in.  Enough of this struggling thing because I think I have to continue to struggle to make the journey meaningful.  I entered this world struggling.  I've struggled enough.  My Dad struggled enough for me already.  It's time to take my rightful place in the life I should be living.