Your Father Is Dying!

Apparently, that's what a friend of the family wanted to tell me today.

She had called to talk to my parents and I picked up because I was at their house. I might need to back up here. I don't remember what has made it onto the blog, but my Dad is in hospice at my parents home. He's got a hospital bed, two walkers, a wheelchair, two nurses, a nighttime caretaker and a chef/physical therapist/errand runner/counselor/mother hen/medicine giver (that last person is ME).

So when my parents' friend, who I've known my whole life as well, called and I said the word "hospice", she proceeded to lose her shit. She started out by saying, "Mercy...mercy me." She's from the South. I just thought that's what they say down there. I didn't think it was the equivalent of farting before you have an explosive shit.

Then she she started saying things like, "You know that hospice means that he's DYING." I thought I was calming her down by explaining some of the details, "Several years ago they added Congestive Heart Failure patients to the list of eligibility for hospice." "But that means he's DYING. HE IS DYING!!!!!" "Okay, but we're monitoring his medicine and his nutrition. Yes, there is technically nothing we can do. We can't make his heart stronger, but we're giving him as much comfort and pleasure as we can." Then the tears started. The sobs. Oh Jesus. I didn't know what to do. So I apologized for seeming so cavalier about the whole situation, but it's just that we've been dealing with this for a while and we're just trying to deal with what's in front of us and be focused. I'm in the Takin' Care of Business mode.

More crying. More apologizing.

Then she said she couldn't talk any more. I thought this meant that she needed to get off the phone in a minute. So I suggested that she use my parents cell phones because they never check the house phone. She had mentioned that she had been calling and calling and calling, but they never pick up. But she didn't mean that she needed to get off the phone in a few minutes after we said out goodbyes and made promises to call each other with updates. She meant I NEED TO GET OFF THE PHONE...NOW!!! And did. So it was more emotional for her. Too much for her to handle.

It's my father who's dying. And honestly, we're all dying. His heart is working at only 15% and there's nothing the doctors can do. So yes, technically he IS dying. He will eventually die. I don't know if that's in three minutes or three months or three years. I'm not in denial. And this woman made me feel like I wasn't owning up to that fact. But I'm well aware of that fact. It's why I'm spending time with him. It's why I'm talking to him because I don't know if he'll be this lucid towards the end and I don't know when that end will be.

But I don't need someone to freak out on the phone about it. I get the situation. It just wasn't what I needed to hear because then I did get emotional about it. I'm not afraid of this or any emotion. I'm a writer. I love being emotional and forthright. But at this moment right now I don't want to hear about what could happen when he dies. He's alive and I want to enjoy that.

My ex knew a great saying: Worrying is praying for something you don't want. And I feel that freaking out would be worrying. I'm just going to make his lunches and continue to tell him that he can't have char siu (chinese BBQ pork) or steak or a salt lick. I'm going to try and make this time as pleasant for all of us as possible and I want to make sure he's around as long as possible.