Feeling Lost

I have been feeling a bit out of body lately.

It's no real surprise.  My Dad died three weeks ago.  I have to keep saying it for it to feel real.  And lately, I have been in a bit of a fog.  My bereavement counselor says that it's because the grieving process is working its way through me.

I have a musical I'm supposed to be writing.  I had an actor drop out.  I'm trying to get a replacement and I have not been feeling it.  I got back songs for this project that I wasn't in love with.  And it was just difficult to think about fitting songs into an idea of mine.  Or trying to write around these songs.  My head had to wrap around it a bit. 

Plus I"m supposed to be directing and running rehearsals as well.  I can't tell you how much I have NOT been feeling that.  It's going to be a great distraction and a great process.  Once I get my head in the game.  I thought for a moment that maybe this is too soon and maybe I'm pushing myself too soon.  But too late.  I've committed.  And I love a challenge.  I love theatre.  I'm trying to find my place.  So I have to give myself places to go.  Places to be.  It's when I don't have those places to be that I feel lost.

I'm at Starbucks right now near my Mom's house.  I'm spending the night here tonight because I had counseling down here today.  And my Boyfriend is recording tonight, so he won't be home until late.  So I'm feeling a bit lost because I could go over there, but then it's just the same routine.  I fall asleep.  He gets home at 2 or 3 in the morning.  We cuddle and then I get up to be productive in the morning, ruining his sleep.  Or I stay in bed until 11 or 12 and ruin my productivity.  I didn't feel like spending the mental energy on what to do.

It could just mean that I need a schedule.  I need to go to the gym x times a week and to dance class x times and to yoga x times and to the spa x times and to my Mom's x times and I need to write x times and go to the library x times and go to the beach x times.

I want my life to be more open and free.  I also need to get used to that.