Likes Long Walks on the Beach

Now that I'm out of a relationship, I seem to be giving a lot of relationship advice.

Seriously. Me. Who's NOT in a relationship! Do you all want to hear what I have to say?

I'm kind of amazed at the extreme sense of relief I have over this relationship being over. That's not to say that I didn't love him, but I just have so much of my own time again and for that I'm thankful.

I have a dear friend who just got married and now is planning to have a child. It's an overwhelming experience for her because it's something she's always wanted to do and for so long she had one excuse or another: the wrong man, the wrong time, no money--the list goes on and on. And now she's got all of the things lined up. And it's still scary.

We've been going on these long walks in Santa Monica and talking things out. I won't disclose any of her personal information, but talking to her has made me think about the things that make me happy. I don't have a hard time being single, although I did have a one night stand this weekend and it was lonely. It's just not the same grabbing your stuff and getting out of someone's bed as it is when you're in your own bed. I miss my bed. And I miss those memories. I know there are plenty of unpleasant memories as well, but being single makes you think about those things.

So back to me not having a hard time being single. :)

In the next relationship, I need to make sure I'm spending time with my friends. And I need to pay attention if the person I'm with doesn't like my friends or begins to resent them over time. He never liked my friends. There was always an issue. And even though I knew that was a RED FLAG, I felt we could get over it. He didn't like the people I was closest to. That's a problem.

When I met my ex, I didn't want to date anymore. I am tired of people who date to have sex. Especially gay guys. I'm not promoting whoreish behavior (although I don't see anything wrong with it if you're being safe). But I'm just saying we need to be honest. Do I want to fuck you or find out who your favorite authors are? Or both? But don't get it twisted. Let's fuck. Let's do dirty things to each other. Absolutely. But I shouldn't have to suffer through a horrible date because you've got a big dick or thick lips or a cute ass.

I'm happy to have a life with friends and dating on the side. But that's not even my priority. I'm starting a new job in a week. I need to tie up loose ends on my current job. And I've got a new play to finish by the end of the year. I have plenty on my plate. But I think that the life I'm leading now is the life I should always be living. Even with a partner, and kids maybe one day, and a full creative life. The mistake I made was that everything became about him. And I knew that he found things about me inspiring and interesting - that's why we started dating in the first place. But I thought that in order for him to know how much I cared about him, that I needed to make it all about him. Do I think that if I had more balance that we would still be together? No. I now realize that we were meant to be together to learn things about ourselves. And then we became stagnant. And then there were bigger problems. And the relationship had to end.

But what I want my friend to remember is that she's on no one's timetable. She found the right guy and they have a life to live together. Enjoy the time you have because it might not be forever - through death or divorce.

I'm learning to enjoy the fact that we had a great ride. Five years is a wonderful amount of time. I know I can love. I know I can be committed. I know that I can work on a relationship. And I know I can be a great lover, an incredible listener and a wonderful boyfriend. I know that I can let someone be that back to me. And I know enough to honor the relationship we had by leaving the party when it's time. Otherwise, it would have gotten worse and I would have been left with the decaying carcass that was once our relationship.

I just want my friend to be happy. I think she will be. But she just has to trust herself. Trust me, it's a lesson I seem to be learning a lot lately.