Friday Morning

I've officially been out of my house for almost three weeks now.

I sing "Teenage Dream" and I remember that we never got to watch that episode of "Glee" together. And I can hear the bedroom conversation:

HIM: "You're Kurt and I'm Blaine."

ME: "Why are you Blaine?"

HIM: "Because I have a better voice. And you're more gay."

ME: "Maybe I'm just more emotional."

HIM: "Maybe I just want to sing that song to you."

I miss him. And it hit me this morning. I know I'm not really explaining why we broke up. Suffice it to say that I wouldn't leave flippantly. There needed to be bigger reasons to leave that made the relationship unbearable. He's not unbearable, he's actually incredibly lovable and in extreme need of love. I finally realized that I needed more. I needed a voice in my relationship and couldn't just be the emotional center.

I couldn't just hear things like:

"You're so patient."

"Thank God for you."

"He's blessed to have you."

And it started to sound like mockery. I started to feel like maybe I was a fool for being so patient and loving--two things by the way that I think are the keys to a successful relationship. But I'm not longer in one, so what do I know?

In the he said/she said movie of this relationship, it will be said that he took me to wonderful places and we ate at fabulous restaurants and felt important. I would rather feel important for the work I do and the person I am, not for where I show up. And I can cook my own goddamn dinner. I'm an amazing cook. It became all about this image and projecting this persona. Eventually, so did our relationship.

But that doesn't take away from the fact that this morning at 9 AM, I miss being his boyfriend. I know I left for the right reasons and that the relationship left me doubting myself. I'm better for having left. I know he'd dispute this if he ever reads this, but it was emotionally abusive. At a certain point he knew that. But I miss the private moments. The "Glee" watch parties together. The eating in bed and making funny faces. The laying in bed with our two dogs. But I couldn't trade my own dignity and my own path for those moments. It was just two high a price to pay.

So THAT I don't miss. And I am glad I was brave enough to leave. I may not totally believe it was an act of bravery yet, but my friends keep telling me that, so I'm choosing to believe them. At least until I can believe it myself.