Before I Start Throwing Things

It's a real struggle to deal with my father's health issues.  I feel like I'm climbing an uphill battle with his resistance to change, with his reluctance to eat better, and with his desire for things to remain the same.  However, the big struggle I'm having right now is with my Mother.  My brother and I are aware of my Father's condition, his medication, his diet and the things he needs to do to maintain a level of comfort.  He's never going to be well or cured.  But I think we could give him some good care in his final days, however long those final days will extend.  But in order to do that, I feel that we need to maintain a certain level of health and that enjoyment of food doesn't need to be a daily diet of fat, red meat, cheesy, deep friend goodness.  It can be fresh and flavorful yet light and healthy.  It can be robust without busting a gut. 

I can't do that without my Mother's support and she feels like giving my father comfort solely involves indulging him.  But it's not just indulging him, it's being afraid of him, of not doing the right thing, of having regret.  Her actions are based in fear.  I just ask that she monitors certain things so that we can indulge him and not feel guilty.  She shouldn't take him to the supermarket so he can look at all the things he can't have.  She shouldn't over tax him by asking him to walk around the supermarket.  It seems that everything I ask her help in doesn't get done.  It actually gets ignored. 

Today I lost my shit.  I was out of town this weekend and I didn't ask too many questions about what happened or didn't happen when I was gone.  Frankly, I didn't want to think about it.  I don't have time to worry about it because I've got another script to finish.  I wanted to focus on seeing my students and catching up with people.  I just needed some space.  And I had that.  So today when my father said he was hungry and wanted something else to eat, I had to hunt around the house for food.  My mother didn't do any grocery shopping when I was gone.  I figured that she didn't leave the house because she knew it would be too tempting for my father to be around food and that she didn't want to wear him out.  My father asked for hot dogs, which I knew were too high in sodium.  So I went out to the garage where my parents have a second refrigerator.  I checked the hot dogs.  Yes, too high in sodium.  But then I hunted around.  There were some frozen burritos that weren't super high in sodium, but that had beans (bad for his gout) and/or potatoes (high in potassium).  I thought that maybe there were some turkey burgers he could have.  No, he didn't want those.

But as I was checking my parents other freezer, I realized that the burritos were new.  I asked my Mom why there were burritos in the freezer.  She said she got them for her lunch.  I told her that I still didn't think she should have anything that could possibly be tempting to my Dad and that those weren't good for her either.  I told my Dad what his options were.  He asked for canned corned beef.  No, I said. Then I realized that those burritos were new, they were bought while I was gone.  I confronted my Mother and asked her when she went to the supermarket.  She had gone with my Dad to the supermarket yesterday to a store 30 minutes away from my parents house to get some things for him.  I saw red.  I explained to her that she went to the supermarket 30 minutes away and took my father when she could have taken him to a Ralph's or a Trader Joe's to get food for him that he could eat.  There weren't any healthy options, so he started asking about unhealthy options.  There was hardly any food period.  I didn't understand how she could have misused her time.  How she couldn't even pick up healthy options at this supermarket.  I was so livid and I knew that if I didn't get the hell out of there ASAP, then I was about to say several things I would regret.  So I left.  It was the kindest thing to do.

And maybe it's time to let my parents make their choices.  I have other things to do.  They are adults and are perfectly capable of knowing what is best for their personal well being.  I can't force anyone to see things my way.  If that's what they object to, if they would rather that I not give my opinion, then maybe it is time for me to step away from the situation.