Writing Is Fighting

Ask any writer about the writing process and you'll always here the phrase:

"Writing is hard."

It's not like Barbie saying "Math is hard."  For writers who have an ability, who have training, who have been writing for most of their lives...writing is still hard.  For me, it's wrestling with parts of myself that I don't always want to expose. It's struggling to articulate beliefs I have.  I have to resist the temptation to just be clever or just show off what a great writer I am.  I want to be as honest as possible when I write and sometimes that's what's the most difficult. 

I can be clever.  I can get people to fall in love with me based on something I write. But when I write something and it forces someone to think or it represents a less than favorable opinion...that's where it gets tricky.

The Drummer and I celebrate ten months of being together today.  And on Sunday at my play reading, it will be the first time he has heard anything that I've written.  I'm not necessarily nervous about his opinion of my writing because I know the writing is good.  But I have to admit that even though my nervousness is minimal, I am more nervous about him coming to the reading than I've been about anyone else before.  Maybe because on some level I know that this will either prove to him that all of the sacrifice I've been making is worth it.  Not that it's up to him.  I know this struggle is worth it.  I don't have a regular job right now.  I'm living off of unemployment and I'm living with him right now part time.  The rest of the time I'm staying with my parents while I act as part time caretaker of my Dad who is in hospice at our family home.  It's a strange time.

The Drummer said to me months ago that I needed to take advantage of this time I have to write.  And I worry that I'm not taking advantage of it enough. That's my own noise.  I have always felt like I wasn't taking advantage of my opportunities enough, even when I was writing morning, noon and night.  And I'm doing that now.

I wake up in the morning around 6 or 7 and head to Starbucks.  My father's night time caretaker is with us until 10 AM.  So I can get 3 or 4 hours in straight away in the morning.  This is usually my time to wake up and return emails.  Then in the second half of this morning session, I get some writing done.  Then I run some errands for my Dad or I write more.  My Mother works nights, so she gets up from her nap around 10 AM.  So she's there to help him out if I'm working.  But otherwise I give her time to do her stuff.  Then I have an afternoon session.  Then I have to be with my Dad from 5-8 while my Mom takes her second nap before work.  At 8, I usually take off to Starbucks for another three hour session until they close at 11.  Our caretaker is there by 9 PM, so I've got time to work. 

The good thing is that I find the time to write.  The part I'm fighting with is that I have no time to myself that's not Dad time or writing time.  There are a few nights a week that I'm with the boyfriend.  I'm trying to get some gym time in three times a week.  I need to do more running.  I'm gaining weight and I'm not psyched about that. 

I'm focused, which is great. But I'm not feeling rested these days.  But I guess these things happen in cycles.  When I was teaching in the Fall, I wasn't getting as much writing done.  Now I'm able to get a shit load done.  And I've got more to do when I'm done with this play.  I'm trying not to think of what will happen as a result of this play.  I'm just trying to get the play done and then get the next thing done and then the next and then the next.

Writing is fighting.  And my knuckles are sore and bloody.