Proud...of what?

It's LA Pride. The parade is today.

Every year for the past five years, I would wake up and we would either walk or take a cab over to our friend, Jerry's house. Jerry has this big brunch every year.

At 9 AM. Funny. That's what time it is now.

The stage is set. Vodka drinks. The screen door on the balcony is open to watch the floats prepare to start on the journey West down Santa Monica Blvd. A bunch of friends gather together, getting their drink on early. Then at noon, they all walk down the parade route, to go cups in hand. Then they make it to O-Bar on their first stop. And that's where everyone loses each other.

Some walk ahead. Some stay behind. Some reconnect. Some go home to go to the bathroom and then fall asleep for hours because they're drunk by 1 PM. That would have been me or the ex. Then you wake up and go back out.

Lots of lost hours. Blackouts. Mystery makeout sessions. Frantic text messages:

"Where are you?"

"I'm here."

"Where are my pants?"

"ARRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!"

Well, I have to admit that part of me is nostalgic because it is always such a great party. And I like walking the streets and checking out the sights. I like that the gays are out roaming the streets of WeHo. But I don't miss the angry messages. And I don't miss the fact that my ex and I would spend hours away from each other. I think I liked it at the time because I felt like I could go out and roam free and make out with people. But if he was so terrific, wouldn't have I wanted to spend more time with him?

Last year, he practically had a party at our house without me. It's not like he texted me or missed me. And I guess I didn't really care either. Wow. It's funny the things you see a year later.

I might go down there later today, once things die down a bit and walk around with friends. It'll be fun...with friends. But not alone. I honestly don't want to run into him and "our friends" by myself. Any other day but today. But I could change my mind. I could just say fuck it and I'm going down there alone and I'll probably run into friends and be silly. It could be fun either way. We'll see.

But isn't it funny that on Pride day, I was always doing things that made me feel less than proud. That's the mad irony. That none of the gays get because we're not about irony these days. I want an ironic muscle gay. A satirical rainbow flag. But it's all a little too on the surface for my tastes.