When I was with my ex, I used to shave my balls maybe every three weeks. Now that I type that, that sounds disgusting. No wonder it didn't work out. Just kidding.
Yes, I truly believe it was all about the lack of manscaping.
And I have these really hairy pits that I never trim. My reasoning was that I still picture myself as 105 lbs dripping wet. So I think that the five o'clock shadow and the stubbly balls and the Sasquatch pits make me more manly. But maybe it's time to reframe my way of thinking.
I'm single now. My breath has to smell nice at all times and I have to look trimmed and coifed when I'm getting my coffee or going for a run or at the gym.
Every moment is a potential opportunity to meet a man.
I feel like Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker, has an eye on me. Big Sister is watching.
But it does feel that way a bit. Like I'm now on the market. So I can't get lazy like one is prone to doing in a relationship. I've kept my body kind of together. And now it's time to take it to the next level: abs, pecs, shoulders, arms. I'm a runner and former dancer, so the legs are good. And I guess the next thing is figuring out what to manscape. And how much.
Because we've all seen those guys. The eyebrows that are too thin. And the supertrimmed arm and leg and chest hair. And some of those guys are straight! I like my manly details. But I guess I could stand to be a little less manly in some ways. Sometimes that's more about taking the trimmers to the arm pits than it is about blasting Liza from the speakers.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Cleanse: Day Eight
I'm fucking eating everything in sight. And I say that "I'm cleansing", so who cares if I eat all of the barley and homemade black bean chili in the world because at least I'm not having ONE BITE of pork belly!
Oh, God! I just watched The Food Network's DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES and I want pork belly. I want a pizzette w/ homemade sausage and smoked slaw. I want a burger!
I shouldn't be watching Triple D. Clearly.
I need to be getting more cardio into my diet because before my three day alcohol binge w/ my friend Tony who was in town from NYC, I was looking good. I do think I'm eating too much because my psyllium powder has been curbing my hunger throughout the day. But I'm in the habit of eating. I think I eat when I'm bored. I was doing that a lot yesterday. And even though it's "cleanse approved", I don't think the creators of this thing intended me to eat an entire tray of five layer dip.
I think it's great that I'm watching everything I eat. I think that being aware of what I put into my body is a great thing. And it's a habit I want to make in these 21 days. I just need to commit to it. I have all of this renewed energy and it seems to be going in the wrong places. I have to be acutely aware of where the "empty calories" are in my life. The ways I spend my energy towards something that does not bring me back something in return. The activities that have no nutritional value for me.
I'm getting reflective. I guess the cleanse is taking its effect. Even if I'm not seeing it in killer abs. Yet.
Oh, God! I just watched The Food Network's DINERS, DRIVE INS AND DIVES and I want pork belly. I want a pizzette w/ homemade sausage and smoked slaw. I want a burger!
I shouldn't be watching Triple D. Clearly.
I need to be getting more cardio into my diet because before my three day alcohol binge w/ my friend Tony who was in town from NYC, I was looking good. I do think I'm eating too much because my psyllium powder has been curbing my hunger throughout the day. But I'm in the habit of eating. I think I eat when I'm bored. I was doing that a lot yesterday. And even though it's "cleanse approved", I don't think the creators of this thing intended me to eat an entire tray of five layer dip.
I think it's great that I'm watching everything I eat. I think that being aware of what I put into my body is a great thing. And it's a habit I want to make in these 21 days. I just need to commit to it. I have all of this renewed energy and it seems to be going in the wrong places. I have to be acutely aware of where the "empty calories" are in my life. The ways I spend my energy towards something that does not bring me back something in return. The activities that have no nutritional value for me.
I'm getting reflective. I guess the cleanse is taking its effect. Even if I'm not seeing it in killer abs. Yet.
Me Ever After
I'm watching BETHENNY EVER AFTER right now and I have to say, I want to be Bethenny Frankel. I love her. I think she has lived a life and then has worked her ass off to create this brand, SkinnyGirl. I think she's got determination and a steel will. And she found a great guy, who has an amazing body and seems to be really patient with her.
I remember last year when I used to watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED? in my home office, I used to watch how Bethenny and Jason would joke around and I would identify a bit. I'm a witty, loud, dark-haired woman who's trying to build an empire. And so is she. So now when I watch her, I reminisce about what my life was like for the past five years. And here I am already at a point over the past few weeks where I've been nostalgic. So Bethenny is bringing it out of me yet again.
I cried when she was at Alma's apartment and said no one was showing up to her wedding from her family. I cried when her mother-in-law said she finally had a daughter. It's not like I don't have my own budding-in, crazy, loud mouthed family. I do and they make their presence KNOWN. But I liked having a mother-in-law who seemed normal and thought I was normal and good for her son. I used to look in someone's eyes and think about what would happen if he was killed or got cancer and how my life would be destroyed, heaven forbid. And now...strangers.
I'm at the point in this process where the thrill of leaving is gone. Now it's the daily process of my life and moving it to where I want it to be. I keep saying that I KNOW that none of this would be possible, my current state of strength and self-reflection and ACTION, if we were still a couple. I wholeheartedly believe that.
But I miss planning my future. But "who knows what the future holds", right? I just feel like he was the love of my life and I'm lost a bit. I couldn't stop crying, for god sakes, all of last week. I know this is normal, but I don't like normal, even though I don't want people to think I'm abnormal. I want them to think I'm spectacular. That's the opposite of normal, right?
I wanna have fights in the car over what smells like poop. I want to tease someone. I want to laugh when he puts a ridiculous outfit on and applaud when he looks smashing. As he often did. I don't know if this temporary lapse of sanity and trip down memory lane is healthy! I don't know! But I just miss it. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.
And maybe that's it. Maybe I really have to digest this idea that I have to matter to myself. Because if I tree fell in the woods, and if no one heard it, the tree knows it fell. Is that enough?
This is the other part where I want to emulate Bethenny Frankel. I need to get a post-baby body. I never had it. I never had a baby, but I need those abs. I think her and I share another thing. I think we both look good just a little underweight. I always did. And now I'm a bit normal.
Can't have that.
I remember last year when I used to watch BETHENNY GETTING MARRIED? in my home office, I used to watch how Bethenny and Jason would joke around and I would identify a bit. I'm a witty, loud, dark-haired woman who's trying to build an empire. And so is she. So now when I watch her, I reminisce about what my life was like for the past five years. And here I am already at a point over the past few weeks where I've been nostalgic. So Bethenny is bringing it out of me yet again.
I cried when she was at Alma's apartment and said no one was showing up to her wedding from her family. I cried when her mother-in-law said she finally had a daughter. It's not like I don't have my own budding-in, crazy, loud mouthed family. I do and they make their presence KNOWN. But I liked having a mother-in-law who seemed normal and thought I was normal and good for her son. I used to look in someone's eyes and think about what would happen if he was killed or got cancer and how my life would be destroyed, heaven forbid. And now...strangers.
I'm at the point in this process where the thrill of leaving is gone. Now it's the daily process of my life and moving it to where I want it to be. I keep saying that I KNOW that none of this would be possible, my current state of strength and self-reflection and ACTION, if we were still a couple. I wholeheartedly believe that.
But I miss planning my future. But "who knows what the future holds", right? I just feel like he was the love of my life and I'm lost a bit. I couldn't stop crying, for god sakes, all of last week. I know this is normal, but I don't like normal, even though I don't want people to think I'm abnormal. I want them to think I'm spectacular. That's the opposite of normal, right?
I wanna have fights in the car over what smells like poop. I want to tease someone. I want to laugh when he puts a ridiculous outfit on and applaud when he looks smashing. As he often did. I don't know if this temporary lapse of sanity and trip down memory lane is healthy! I don't know! But I just miss it. I miss feeling like I matter to someone.
And maybe that's it. Maybe I really have to digest this idea that I have to matter to myself. Because if I tree fell in the woods, and if no one heard it, the tree knows it fell. Is that enough?
This is the other part where I want to emulate Bethenny Frankel. I need to get a post-baby body. I never had it. I never had a baby, but I need those abs. I think her and I share another thing. I think we both look good just a little underweight. I always did. And now I'm a bit normal.
Can't have that.
Cleanse: Day Seven (late)
I'm realizing how much I love cheese and things that bring me warmth and comfort. It's cold out and I really need to eat something that makes me feel warm yummy goodness.
By no means am I depriving myself of good food and flavors, but I think I could do better with food that makes me excited. I need more food that's of the stick to your ribs variety.
And dairy is that for me in a lot of ways. I love yogurt and I love cheese. I love things that are creamy. So on the eve of Week Two, I realize how dependent I am on those things. It's good to have that awareness for sure.
I made this five layer dip, which was fine, except it could have used some real crunchy chips. I got these baked multigrain chips from Fresh and Easy which were like cardboard versions of Sun Chips. They were a huge miss.
My meatballs stunk. I had to add so much breadcrumbs to them that they weren't really meatballs anymore. They were dense and flavorless. They filled my stomach like a matzo ball, but they weren't great. The homemade ketchup I made was delicious and had me craving french fries.
I can have seafood this week, so I'm going to try and focus on having yummy seafood. Maybe I'll poach some fish this week. Something healthy. I can also go to my local Korean market and get sashimi pretty cheap. But I know I'll want something warm with veggies that have olive oil drizzled on them. I need hearty!
Right now I'm just feeling like I'm missing something. So either my waistline needs to start shrinking a lot this week without the chicken, white and wheat flour and pan fried foods, or I'm going to have to find heartier things to eat.
By no means am I depriving myself of good food and flavors, but I think I could do better with food that makes me excited. I need more food that's of the stick to your ribs variety.
And dairy is that for me in a lot of ways. I love yogurt and I love cheese. I love things that are creamy. So on the eve of Week Two, I realize how dependent I am on those things. It's good to have that awareness for sure.
I made this five layer dip, which was fine, except it could have used some real crunchy chips. I got these baked multigrain chips from Fresh and Easy which were like cardboard versions of Sun Chips. They were a huge miss.
My meatballs stunk. I had to add so much breadcrumbs to them that they weren't really meatballs anymore. They were dense and flavorless. They filled my stomach like a matzo ball, but they weren't great. The homemade ketchup I made was delicious and had me craving french fries.
I can have seafood this week, so I'm going to try and focus on having yummy seafood. Maybe I'll poach some fish this week. Something healthy. I can also go to my local Korean market and get sashimi pretty cheap. But I know I'll want something warm with veggies that have olive oil drizzled on them. I need hearty!
Right now I'm just feeling like I'm missing something. So either my waistline needs to start shrinking a lot this week without the chicken, white and wheat flour and pan fried foods, or I'm going to have to find heartier things to eat.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Cleanse: Day Six
Oh my cravings!
Today was all about cravings. I wanted to jack off fifty times. I went to Fresh and Easy and wanted red velvet cupcakes and gelato and a hamburger and cheese and nachos and tacos and...can we just get off the subject?
Then I realized that I do need something satisfying and festive and yummy. Tomorrow is the Oscars and I should watch it and not feel totally deprived. So I got some baked tortilla chips made with sea salt. And I got some ground chicken to make meatballs, since I can still have bread until tomorrow (they are made with breadcrumbs). Then I wanted to make a seven layer dip, but I can't have cheese or sour cream. So I got some organic pinto beans in the can (made with pinto beans, water and sea salt - no preservatives) and I'm going to cook them down and make them refried beans (no oil). That's layer one. Layer two will some smoky hot sauce from my mexican deli (made fresh), layer three will be guacamole, layer four will be olives, layer five will be fresh pico de gallo that I made. And that's it. So it's a five layer dip. That's just fine. I'll do a crudite with a chickpea dip. And then I'll watch the oscars with my pellegrino and lime. But at least I won't feel like I'm missing out.
I needed comfort today. Partially because I still miss the ex boyfriend, but I didn't cry today. I just tried to focus on positive things. That's sometimes hard to do. I spent a good part of the day not talking to anyone. I just needed to be in my head a bit. I've got some writing to do and it's helpful to have a cone of silence. I'm probably going to wait out this cold weather and go to the neighborhood Starbucks and get some writing done. It feels like a good night to do that.
I'm waiting for the pounds to melt away. Maybe that will start happening once I start cutting out chicken, soy, sugars, and flour this week.
Oh, also went to the Korean market today. They had a ton of sashimi already cut for 10 bucks. It must have been close to 30 pieces. I know what I'm eating next week.
Today was all about cravings. I wanted to jack off fifty times. I went to Fresh and Easy and wanted red velvet cupcakes and gelato and a hamburger and cheese and nachos and tacos and...can we just get off the subject?
Then I realized that I do need something satisfying and festive and yummy. Tomorrow is the Oscars and I should watch it and not feel totally deprived. So I got some baked tortilla chips made with sea salt. And I got some ground chicken to make meatballs, since I can still have bread until tomorrow (they are made with breadcrumbs). Then I wanted to make a seven layer dip, but I can't have cheese or sour cream. So I got some organic pinto beans in the can (made with pinto beans, water and sea salt - no preservatives) and I'm going to cook them down and make them refried beans (no oil). That's layer one. Layer two will some smoky hot sauce from my mexican deli (made fresh), layer three will be guacamole, layer four will be olives, layer five will be fresh pico de gallo that I made. And that's it. So it's a five layer dip. That's just fine. I'll do a crudite with a chickpea dip. And then I'll watch the oscars with my pellegrino and lime. But at least I won't feel like I'm missing out.
I needed comfort today. Partially because I still miss the ex boyfriend, but I didn't cry today. I just tried to focus on positive things. That's sometimes hard to do. I spent a good part of the day not talking to anyone. I just needed to be in my head a bit. I've got some writing to do and it's helpful to have a cone of silence. I'm probably going to wait out this cold weather and go to the neighborhood Starbucks and get some writing done. It feels like a good night to do that.
I'm waiting for the pounds to melt away. Maybe that will start happening once I start cutting out chicken, soy, sugars, and flour this week.
Oh, also went to the Korean market today. They had a ton of sashimi already cut for 10 bucks. It must have been close to 30 pieces. I know what I'm eating next week.
Cleanse: Day Five
ENERGY: High
Lots of energy today. It seems like my energy is leveling off. I'm not getting too tired throughout the day. I seem to have in general a pretty good level of sustained energy. No big peaks or valleys.
HUNGER: Low
I had my oatmeal this morning. I think the combo of the psyllium and the oatmeal is helping curb my hunger. My constant need to snack is gone. I snack in between meals when I'm hungry, but it's not overboard.
ATTITUDE: Good, then sad
The good part is that I'm getting shit done and feeling great. The sad part I described in the blog "A Good Cry." Because I had a great cry. A great big, fat, ugly, hard to speak through cry. And I feel better for the most part.
EXERCISE: P90X Legs and Back
Grrr. I love this work out. It allows me to do tons of pull ups and chin ups and then there are the leg exercises. The "super skater", the "wall squats", the "groucho walks", the three way lunge (my friend Tim used to try to do these with me and then felt like he couldn't accomplish them fully because he didn't have a dancer's background - actually that was his excuse when he didn't want to exercise). It does feel dancerly and I can feel that my core is much stronger and my alignment is better than when I used to do these exercises. It feels great. I'm feeling accomplished - little did I know that this super achievement was just to mask my sadness and that I'd shut the door to my office and start crying later. But at least I didn't cry at the gym.
Lots of energy today. It seems like my energy is leveling off. I'm not getting too tired throughout the day. I seem to have in general a pretty good level of sustained energy. No big peaks or valleys.
HUNGER: Low
I had my oatmeal this morning. I think the combo of the psyllium and the oatmeal is helping curb my hunger. My constant need to snack is gone. I snack in between meals when I'm hungry, but it's not overboard.
ATTITUDE: Good, then sad
The good part is that I'm getting shit done and feeling great. The sad part I described in the blog "A Good Cry." Because I had a great cry. A great big, fat, ugly, hard to speak through cry. And I feel better for the most part.
EXERCISE: P90X Legs and Back
Grrr. I love this work out. It allows me to do tons of pull ups and chin ups and then there are the leg exercises. The "super skater", the "wall squats", the "groucho walks", the three way lunge (my friend Tim used to try to do these with me and then felt like he couldn't accomplish them fully because he didn't have a dancer's background - actually that was his excuse when he didn't want to exercise). It does feel dancerly and I can feel that my core is much stronger and my alignment is better than when I used to do these exercises. It feels great. I'm feeling accomplished - little did I know that this super achievement was just to mask my sadness and that I'd shut the door to my office and start crying later. But at least I didn't cry at the gym.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Cleanse: Day Four
Okay, so I'm a day late on this one. But here's the update:
ENERGY: high
HUNGER: low
EXERCISE: none
ATTITUDE: great, except for missing my ex boyfriend in the afternoon
Hopefully, I'm over the hump. The big news yesterday is how much I've been pooping. It's not painful, but because of the psyllium, it's getting all of the deep stuff and bringing it out. I know, it's gross. But I pooped three times in the morning. It's good...it's CLEANSING.
I went out to lunch yesterday, and managed to eat well. I'm also starting to do steel cut oats in the morning with cranberries and almond milk. That's keeping me full throughout the day. Managing my hunger has been the big thing. I've been so fucking hungry on days two and three.
ENERGY: high
HUNGER: low
EXERCISE: none
ATTITUDE: great, except for missing my ex boyfriend in the afternoon
Hopefully, I'm over the hump. The big news yesterday is how much I've been pooping. It's not painful, but because of the psyllium, it's getting all of the deep stuff and bringing it out. I know, it's gross. But I pooped three times in the morning. It's good...it's CLEANSING.
I went out to lunch yesterday, and managed to eat well. I'm also starting to do steel cut oats in the morning with cranberries and almond milk. That's keeping me full throughout the day. Managing my hunger has been the big thing. I've been so fucking hungry on days two and three.
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